I Value Our Relationship More Than I Value the Problem

         "The central finding of Gottman's research (Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work (2nd ed.). New York: Harmony Books.) is that strong marriages have strong friendship as a defining characteristic. In fact, Gottman's whole book has to do with building friendship and dealing with conflict in healthy ways so that it does not negatively affect friendship." 

           When I think of friendship I think of love, sacrifice, respect, time, and commitment. I think of having a connection and caring with deep empathy. When we value a friendship or a relationship we are focus is on bettering the relationship and on the other person's well being. We care more about the relationship then we do about being right, or taking offense, or holding a grudge.

           I recently experienced this when my sister and I got into a conflict. We were both hurt and upset. I love my sister and we have always been so close. Knowing this problem had put such a rift between us really hurt. Yet, all I could focus on was how she wronged me and how I had every reason to be mad. As I was feeling particularly low one day and trying to forgive her and get over the situation my prayer was answered through recalling a lesson I'd learned from a good friend. This friend helped me work through a situation that happened years ago. I remember how he said not to focus on the details, or the problem. Instead focus on the solution. He also asked which is more important the relationship you have? Or the problem? As I thought about this experience, I had my answer. 

            I was able to express my feelings of how important the relationship is to my sister. This immediately softened her heart and we were able to forgive and work through our problems. The reason this worked was because she too, valued the friendship or relationship. Many times in our marriages we get distracted and forget about this aspect. We forget to have fun, laugh with and enjoy the relationship. And then we forget to love, sacrifice, and make the other person a priority. When we have a foundation of love, respect and admiration for our spouse when conflict arises we are more likely to focus on the other person, and the relationship than ourselves or our negative feelings.