Establishing New Family Boundaries

           James M. Harper and Susanne Frost Olsen explain to us the meaning of cleave by saying, “The Oxford English Dictionary defines cleave as "to remain attached, devoted, or faithful to," and "to remain steadfast." Thus, in cleaving to spouses, newly married couples are to be devoted, faithful, and steadfast to their new companions.”

            But how can you make the transition from leaving your parents to cleaving to your spouse a smooth one?  This week I wanted to talk about this transition in hopes to help those preparing for marriage.  I think this transition is one that gets overlooked while dating and preparing for marriage. Yet it is one that can set the stage for the rest of your marriage.

           When I was first married this was an extremely hard transition for me. I was extremely close with my family and not only did I miss them, I had a hard time balancing my new relationship with my husband and trying to still be a part of my family. And as much as I know my mother meant well and was adjusting to the change in her own way, she actually made the transition hard for me because of the pressure she put on me to still be around for every family event and want to visit so often. It wasn’t until a couple years into the marriage I realized my marriage was suffering because of it. And I had to start saying no, and set boundaries with my mother.

            Elder Marvin J. Ashton, gave some clarity to this subject as it relates to newly married couples. He said, “Certainly, a now-married man should cleave unto his wife in faithfulness, protection, comfort, and total support, but in leaving father, mother, and other family members, it was never intended that they now be ignored, abandoned, shunned, or deserted. They are still family, a great source of strength …. Wise parents, whose children have left to start their own families, realize their family role still continues, not in a realm of domination, control, regulation, supervision, or imposition, but in love, concern, and encouragement."

          I like this quote because we learn that yes, it is important to cleave to our spouse but our relationship with our parents is still important. However, in order for it to work the relationship has to change. This was the piece that was missing in my circumstance I talked about earlier with my Mother. Neither of us understood how to make the change in our relationship. After discussing the situation with my husband and coming up with what our needs were as a married couple, we were then able to set boundaries with My mother and family. Initially this didn’t go well. But as time went on things got better. I believe this was in large part due to letting my mother know I loved her and still valued the relationship with her and my family. And making an effort in the relationship. As she accepted the change, she also made changes that helped us strengthen our goals we had as husband and wife.


                                           

Harper, J. M., & Olsen, S. F. (2005). Creating healthy ties with in-laws and extended families. In C. H. Hart, L. D. Newell, E. Walton, & D. C. Dollahite, Helping and Healing Our Families (pp. 327-334). Deseret Book Company.